The Huffs and Puffs

Does completion come with a sense of being overwhelmed? That's exactly how I am feeling now. Sigh. I have like about 20 write-ups to do and it seems that I can't wrap-up my final two mags. Dunno what I am attracting. Sigh.

Yes, finally, I have resigned from my 3-year job at the magazine after pondering for over 6 months. Soul was already nudging hard, the inner self was already shouting in my ear and the heart had already gone to lunch since October last year when it came to the mags. I had dodged, I had pretended I didn't hear those inner sighs and I had pushed and pulled to get my energy going with the forms. I crashed emotionally one day a few weeks ago, and I knew that was it.

Sure, all it took was a white envelope and a one-paragraph letter. But since then all kinds of fears popped up like long lost buddies. And that was why it took me so long to let go of something that I knew was over for me. These 'buddies' weren't exactly best friend material, if you know what I mean.

During these few weeks it's like a big noisy party with all my little selves trying to get a spot in my mind to tell me the boos-boos and woos-woos of my decision. Yeah, these tiny tots huffed and puffed and tried to blow my inner home down. Thank God for the Soul who just sits there, observing with amusement.

And so light and dark battles on. Freaky Fearies scurrying all around as the en-Lighted parts move around my inner space like exterminators. Sometimes deep in the night the Freakies sneak up on me and give me panic attacks. Other times they play the old tapes of unworthiness. But one by one, the shadows have nowhere to run, no more rocks to hide under. And that scares the hell out of me/them.

I had plunged into an extreme fear of void and loneliness. Having identified with many of those old beliefs for so long, when they leave, it's like a big crater-like hole in me. Oh, the sense of loss.

That brought frequent crying feats. Confusion. And the latest to join the Emo-Club is the constant blueness.

But then, what's hovering in the air between all this? The Soul smiling gently, the heart in delight and angels offering their hands. And, that's the only solace that I can find. LOVE is the only solace. LOVE is the only freedom.

Within all the emptiness, only then I can experience LOVE. Within the emptiness only LOVE can fill the void. It's that kind of LOVE that the brain and her troop of Freaky Follies would never understand. Because it has no name, no form, no nothing. Yet it makes me weep because of the immense sense of gratitude. Yet it makes me sing silently in my heart. Yet it is calming when everything goes berserk. It's bliss for no reason...

Whew, and I feel loads lighter and happier now... All this is comes from the Soul, yet again. Now I remember again why I am doing this at all. And why the slight pain I am experiencing now with is just a process to transition to the next new thing in my life (which honestly I still dunno what it is)

Here, Soul's smiling and I know everything's going to be ok...